There are Seven Stars in this game.
Move over Final Fantasy, there’s a new RPG in town! (It literally took me 20 minutes to come up with that intro I APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE).
If you were born after 1995 you probably don’t know what this is.
First of all, this game introduced a shit ton of new concepts for the Super Mario series: enemies forming alliances with good, Princesses finally fending for themselves, deceivingly difficult bosses, exotic worlds and a naked cape wearing elf who will only blink or nod at you if he wants sex. Which was all the time. For 12 Frog Coins.
Uh ok, so the game starts off with the typical bullshit: Peach is left alone picking flowers, Bowser yanks her shit and Mario is left to his own devices to come save the dumb bitch. 20 points to Nintendo for being fucking original this time.
BUT WAIT YOU REALIZE YOU CAN’T JUST STOMP ON GOOMBAS; INSTEAD YOU ARE BROUGHT TO ANOTHER SCREEN WHERE YOU ARE FORCED TO USE YOUR WITS AND STRATEGY TO DEFEAT THESE MIND-NUMBINGLY SIMPLE CREATURES. YOU HAVE A MEGA HAMMER AND MAYBE TEN GOLD COINS IF YOU SEARCHED THE AREA THOROUGHLY. THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND CERTAIN VICTORY IS AN ANNOYING, POORLY DESIGNED WEAPONS MENU AND SHITTY BATTLE MUSIC. YOU WONDER IF YOU SHOULD PLAY FINAL FANTASY INSTEAD OR PICKUP CASTLEVANIA WHERE YOU LAST SAVED. YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT TIMED HITS AND YOU MISS HITTING THE GOOMBA. YOUR TURN IS OVER. HE BITES YOU AND YOU TAKE 10 DAMAGE. YOU HAVE 3 HEALTH POINTS LEFT. YOU BEGIN LOOKING FOR THE RECEIPT TO RETURN THIS GAME.
Nah, just kidding, the game really wasn’t that difficult EXCEPT WHEN YOU GET TO THE AXEM RANGERS HOLY SHIT TALK ABOUT IMPOSSIBLE WITH A CAPITAL “FUCK!”
Also Geno is a fuck of a character. Stop trying to find his genitals in this picture .
The plot is generally engaging for the most part. One of my favorite characters is Booster from Booster’s Palace which is essentially a large tower filled with sex toys and magic and old video game references. Just kidding about the magic part. But it’s neat nonetheless. Booster is a charming and lovable character in that he’s severely rapey, cannot come to terms with reality or basic human emotions,hides in doorways and he has a beard.
The map layout is somewhat erratic, you start off in Mario’s excuse of a home and travel down to racially stereotypical locations such as the blue-collared, Southern country fried Moleville complete with aluminum sliding roofs and mining accidents. There’s even Yoshi’s dumb gay fucking Island that is pretty useless unless you enjoy racing for cookies which in my book makes you retarded. Star Hill is a magical location that let’s you see into other NPC’s most deepest, darkest secrets, thoughts and desires. It’s not gay at all after you’ve been there 47 times.
Luigi is not in this game because Nintendo has failed to properly recognize Luigi as “his own character and not Mario’s other butt” since the birth of Christ.
Your party ultimately consists of Bowser, your sworn enemy of the past 25 years who easily sides with you because a giant fucking sword repo’d his castle. Then you have Prince Mallow who is a giant fucking cry baby from outer space and is useless and dumb and usually chills out in your character menu for the entire game until you want some gay power moves. Then you have Geno who is a power wizard but originally some child’s doll thing and BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC. Geno is probably the most powerful thing in the game since he derives his power from the SEVEN STARS giving him life and no penis.
There’s Princess Peach who finally decides to pull her head out of her ass and start fighting for a change. She starts off with a frying pan which is sexist and shallow and truth revealing, but she pulls through in the end since she’s apparently the only one that has healing powers next to Prince Mallow. Royalty in this game is pretty difficult to justify.
I give this game 5 out of 7 stars. While the game was reminiscent of classic Mario games, it still isn’t Earthbound or Zelda. Also the Axem Rangers kicked my ass for 3 months.
