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RATED E FOR EFFORT

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 17:47:58 -0500

RATED E FOR EFFORT

INTERVIEW WITH LONK SMOTH

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 23:14:00 -0500

The following is an interview conducted at JAWLYRAWGR STUDIOS with Twitter’s newest disease, Lonk Smoth.

Rochelle: Thank you for taking the time to come in and interview with us, Link.

LONK: OK IT’S ACTUALLY “LONK” NAMED AFTER MY GRANDMOTHER. WHO IS DEAD.

R: I uh…sorry to hear that. Ahem, so LONK is it. LONK, my apologies. So let’s get started—

L: DO YOU HAVE HOTDOGS? I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE THE WATER TEMPLE. I SMELL SOMETHING.

R: Excuse me…hotdogs?

L: YES, THEY’RE KINDA MY THING. I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HYRULE?

R: N…no—

L: MILK, POTIONS AND GRASS. THAT’S THE ONLY THING TO EAT.

R: Let’s move on, please? So you’re the “Hero of Time”, as Hyrule calls you. Tell me how you feel about that, Lonk.

L: THEY ACTUALLY CALL ME THE HERO OF RHYME “CUZ MY BEATZ SPIT FIRE LIKE DODONGOS I’M INSANE/ AND I BE SWIMMIN AND CHILLIN ALL UP IN Z’s DOMAIN/ MY MASTER SWORD IS HEAVY, BIG, POWERFUL AND LONG/ AND I AIN’T TALKIN’ BOUT MY WEAPON BITCH I’M TALKIN BOUT MY DONG.”

R:What was that all about?

L: JUST DOING WHAT I DO BEST: BEING TALENTED. DON’T ENVY.

R: Why are you yelling all the time?

L: I AM NOT YELLING WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THIS? ONLY RETARDS AND RAPISTS THINK TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS IS “YELLING”. I’M ACTUALLY SPEAKING SOFTLY.

R: Fair enough. Now how are thing’s with you and Zelda?

L: [shifts uncomfortably] I DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT THAT BITCH. THE LAST TIME WE HAD SEX, SHE TURNED INTO THAT SHEIK CHARACTER IN MID CLIMAX AND I JUST FUCKING WENT SOFT. LIKE A WETZEL’S PRETZEL.

R: Uh…

L: SERIOUSLY THOUGH ARE THERE HOTDOGS HERE?

R: No.

L: THEN WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT WATER? WATER IS FOR NERDS AND HORSES.

R: This interview is going absolutely nowhere. You’re screaming and being weird about everything. How are you even popular?

L: BITCHES LOVE ME FOR MY RHYMES AND HOTDOGS.

R: [Silence]

L: YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT SKYWARD SWORD BUT I STILL THINK SKYRIM IS LIKE, WAAAAAY BETTER. THAT GAME IS THE MESSIAH. IT IS THE TIM TEBOW OF VIDEO GAMES.

R: You seem to carry many items and weapons with you at all times but it never seems like you get overburdened with them. Where are you hiding all those items?

L: I HAVE TWO EXPANDABLE NUT SACKS THAT NINTENDO LIKES TO CALL “ADULT WALLET”.

R: That is very graphic and horrifying.

L: DON’T ASK DON’T TELL YOU KNOW.

R: How does that even apply to this situation?

L: LISTEN, I KINDA WAS HOPING THERE WAS SOMETHING TO EAT HERE. I JUST SPENT 7 HOURS IN THE WATER TEMPLE WAITING FOR MY OWL RIDE, K.G. AND HE BAILED. I’M IRRITABLE AND MY FEELINGS ARE HURT.

R: Er, ok so you mentioned in an earlier interview that you have a horse named Epona. Can you—

L: EPONA IS ACTUALLY HER SLAVE NAME. I RENAMED HER “BASKETBALL” AFTER THAT ONE VIDEO GAME.

R: Alright, clearly this is going nowhere. Thank you for your time man, we’ll call you if we have anymore questions.

L: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THERE IS NO HOTDOGS HERE?

R: Get out.

End interview.

Are you the real Lonk Smoth or are you an imposter, and if so, would the real Lonk Smoth stand up

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:25:49 -0500

I AM THE CREATOR OF LONK SMOTH, WALT DISNEY

30 Days in Hyrule

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:45:27 -0500

Congratulations! You won an all expense paid trip to Hyrule!

Day 1: You get off the plane. You are in the middle of a forest. There are children everywhere. You clutch your belongings close to your body.

Day 2: You discover a talking tree with a mustache. Your asshole tightens in fear.

Day 3: You leave the forest and run into an owl. He just stares into your soul. Your asshole tightens in fear.

Day 4: Trees and rocks

Day 5: Night falls and you encounter a skeleton wearing red nail polish. You share gazes. No words are exchanged.

Day 6: The same owl as before swoops over you menacingly. As he approaches, you pick up your pace and start running. He asks if you want a ride.

Day 7: You stumble across a small village called Kakariko. The villagers are tame and mildly retarded. You go to the graveyard.

Day 8: Dampe, an old husk of a man, introduces himself as a “gravedigger”. He asks if you want a ride.

Day 9: Feeling unsettled, you leave the village and pass a guard who asks if you can do him a favor. He wants you to get his kid a mask. Interested, you ask to see a picture of his family. He reaches into his pockets and reveals 4 pistachio shells, a pebble and a picture of John Leguizamo.

Day 10: Goron Mountain and creatures that seem Jamaican

Day 11: You watch Darunia, leader of the Gorons, dancing to absolutely nothing. You’ve had enough of Hyrule.

Day 12: You sit on a rock and look at some grass. Best day since you’ve gotten here.

Day 13: Distracted by Darunia’s horrendous and abysmal display of being festive, you forget that you are atop an active volcano that erupts at 5 second intervals every time you take 12 steps.

Day 14: THAT. FUCKING. OWL.

Day 15: You are dropped off at what seems to be a giant lake. You are greeted by malevolent water creatures and two African American scarecrows that like music.

Day 16: You wake up in a tree.

Day 17: Everyone you’ve encountered has either pissed you off or freaked you the fuck out. Looking for solace, you decide to enter the fishing hole. The owner is scratching himself furiously. You turn back out and leave.

Day 18: The castle seems promising.

Day 19: An overweight, middle aged, Mediterranean man is sleeping near a box of crates. You try waking him up but he keeps muttering sexually frustrating phrases and mumbles.

Day 20: You visit Lon Lon Ranch and you absolutely hate yourself. The milk tastes like shit and chalk.

Day 21: You wonder where all the cars are.

Day 22: Gerudo Valley claims to be an exotic desert paradise. You get a blast of sand in your colon and you are hospitalized for the night.

Day 23: You make it through the day wearing a hefty diaper.The owl comes back and latches onto you with his large talons and takes you back to the roof of some random villager’s home. “Fuck my tears,” you mutter.

Day 24: You realize there is literally nothing to do in Hyrule.

Day 25: You search your phone for good places to eat. The only thing to eat in the entire country is milk and fish.

Day 26: You find an ocarina in the grass and play it. It is gay.

Day 27: Returning to the forest, you pack your belongings and decide to sit and wait for your plane for the next three days.

Day 28: Some kid humps a rock.

Day 29: A young sprout by the name of Mido walks up to you suspiciously and calls you a cunt. Your feelings are devastatingly hurt and you ball up in a defensive posture. Just one more night you tell yourself.

Day 30: You get on your plane but the owl stops you and wonders why you are leaving. You tell the owl to fuck off and mind his own business you have better shit to do than sit around a boring fucking landscape with shitty graphics and a dry boring plot that is predictable and thoughtless complete with a variety of mundane monsters, enemy bosses and annoying side quests. You rip off your heavy diaper and throw it in the owl’s face. The owl explodes.

**I GIVE HYRULE 5 STARS WOULD VISIT AGAIN

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULT: “LINK” “GAY”...

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:55:59 -0500

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULT: “LINK” “GAY” “HOTDOGS”

GAME IN THE SPOTLIGHT: Super Mario RPG

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 22:05:00 -0400

There are Seven Stars in this game.

Move over Final Fantasy, there’s a new RPG in town! (It literally took me 20 minutes to come up with that intro I APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE).

If you were born after 1995 you probably don’t know what this is.

First of all, this game introduced a shit ton of new concepts for the Super Mario series: enemies forming alliances with good, Princesses finally fending for themselves, deceivingly difficult bosses, exotic worlds and a naked cape wearing elf who will only blink or nod at you if he wants sex. Which was all the time. For 12 Frog Coins.

Uh ok, so the game starts off with the typical bullshit: Peach is left alone picking flowers, Bowser yanks her shit and Mario is left to his own devices to come save the dumb bitch. 20 points to Nintendo for being fucking original this time.

BUT WAIT YOU REALIZE YOU CAN’T JUST STOMP ON GOOMBAS; INSTEAD YOU ARE BROUGHT TO ANOTHER SCREEN WHERE YOU ARE FORCED TO USE YOUR WITS AND STRATEGY TO DEFEAT THESE MIND-NUMBINGLY SIMPLE CREATURES. YOU HAVE A MEGA HAMMER AND MAYBE TEN GOLD COINS IF YOU SEARCHED THE AREA THOROUGHLY. THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND CERTAIN VICTORY IS AN ANNOYING, POORLY DESIGNED WEAPONS MENU AND SHITTY BATTLE MUSIC. YOU WONDER IF YOU SHOULD PLAY FINAL FANTASY INSTEAD OR PICKUP CASTLEVANIA WHERE YOU LAST SAVED. YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT TIMED HITS AND YOU MISS HITTING THE GOOMBA. YOUR TURN IS OVER. HE BITES YOU AND YOU TAKE 10 DAMAGE. YOU HAVE 3 HEALTH POINTS LEFT. YOU BEGIN LOOKING FOR THE RECEIPT TO RETURN THIS GAME.

Nah, just kidding, the game really wasn’t that difficult EXCEPT WHEN YOU GET TO THE AXEM RANGERS HOLY SHIT TALK ABOUT IMPOSSIBLE WITH A CAPITAL “FUCK!”

Also Geno is a fuck of a character. Stop trying to find his genitals in this picture .

The plot is generally engaging for the most part. One of my favorite characters is Booster from Booster’s Palace which is essentially a large tower filled with sex toys and magic and old video game references. Just kidding about the magic part. But it’s neat nonetheless. Booster is a charming and lovable character in that he’s severely rapey, cannot come to terms with reality or basic human emotions,hides in doorways and he has a beard.

The map layout is somewhat erratic, you start off in Mario’s excuse of a home and travel down to racially stereotypical locations such as the blue-collared, Southern country fried Moleville complete with aluminum sliding roofs and mining accidents. There’s even Yoshi’s dumb gay fucking Island that is pretty useless unless you enjoy racing for cookies which in my book makes you retarded. Star Hill is a magical location that let’s you see into other NPC’s most deepest, darkest secrets, thoughts and desires. It’s not gay at all after you’ve been there 47 times.

Luigi is not in this game because Nintendo has failed to properly recognize Luigi as “his own character and not Mario’s other butt” since the birth of Christ.

Your party ultimately consists of Bowser, your sworn enemy of the past 25 years who easily sides with you because a giant fucking sword repo’d his castle. Then you have Prince Mallow who is a giant fucking cry baby from outer space and is useless and dumb and usually chills out in your character menu for the entire game until you want some gay power moves. Then you have Geno who is a power wizard but originally some child’s doll thing and BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC. Geno is probably the most powerful thing in the game since he derives his power from the SEVEN STARS giving him life and no penis.

There’s Princess Peach who finally decides to pull her head out of her ass and start fighting for a change. She starts off with a frying pan which is sexist and shallow and truth revealing, but she pulls through in the end since she’s apparently the only one that has healing powers next to Prince Mallow. Royalty in this game is pretty difficult to justify.

I give this game 5 out of 7 stars. While the game was reminiscent of classic Mario games, it still isn’t Earthbound or Zelda. Also the Axem Rangers kicked my ass for 3 months.

PETITION TO MAKE DMX A PLAYABLE CHARACTER IN MARIO KART

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:37:10 -0400

PETITION TO MAKE DMX A PLAYABLE CHARACTER IN MARIO KART

I DID A THING WHERE I PUT MY BOYFRIEND AND MY NAME TOGETHER I AM...

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 03:20:26 -0400

I DID A THING WHERE I PUT MY BOYFRIEND AND MY NAME TOGETHER I AM A GENIUS WHERE IS MY NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

Look at This Fucking Hipster Wedding - Lifestyle Features

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 21:58:08 -0400

Look at This Fucking Hipster Wedding - Lifestyle Features

WHAT A CHARMER.

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 02:42:13 -0400

WHAT A CHARMER.

SKELETON’S ARE NEAT HI FIVE ONE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ONE ON...

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 02:16:09 -0400

SKELETON’S ARE NEAT HI FIVE ONE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ONE ON THE STREET

midnitesurprise: Lady Baba Yagaga.

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 13:49:15 -0400

midnitesurprise:

Lady Baba Yagaga.

A SHIRT DESIGN I MADE IT REPRESENTS DIVERSITY AND TEAM WORK ALSO...

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 02:13:01 -0400

A SHIRT DESIGN I MADE IT REPRESENTS DIVERSITY AND TEAM WORK ALSO I LIKE EAGLES

Y U NO LUV KRISSY KAILZ NO MORE!!!! ALSO U SHUD POST UR ART ON MY WEBSZITE

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 17:16:24 -0400

I GOTS NOTHING BUT LOVE FOR THE KAILZ. Just TELL ME WHAT TO DRAW AND I WILL PROBABLY DRAW IT. TERRIBLY.

Classic.

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 22:01:01 -0400

Classic.

Photo

Mon, 30 May 2011 10:37:31 -0400

LOGOND OF ZALDA JOAKS

Mon, 30 May 2011 01:56:17 -0400

LOGOND OF ZALDA JOAKS

First part to my SKELETON COMIXX SERIES

Fri, 27 May 2011 16:04:00 -0400

First part to my SKELETON COMIXX SERIES

"Q: “IS IT WEIRD TO GO TO SEA WORLD BY YOURSELF?” A: “ONLY IF YOU DON’T..."

Wed, 25 May 2011 11:41:00 -0400

“Q: “IS IT WEIRD TO GO TO SEA WORLD BY YOURSELF?”
A: “ONLY IF YOU DON’T MASTURBATE””

- Josh on aquatic life

COULD YOU IMAGINE?

Tue, 24 May 2011 23:04:00 -0400

COULD YOU IMAGINE?